Hope: An entry on God's faithfulness

 "And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:2-5)

 

  A year ago, I read this verse on a tearful drive in Leavenworth, WA with Aaron. The snow was covering the ground and we were discussing our future as we mourned the loss of our baby we had just been celebrating a few weeks prior. As I grieved, I could not have imagined the suffering I was living through would ultimately bring me to Hope. Taytum Hope.

 

   Our heartbreak of losing our "Baby #2" was very real and you can read our story here, but this is a story of glory, in God's goodness.

  After losing our baby last Christmas, I asked God for a baby in my arms this Christmas. I even bought a baby Santa hat as a reminder of my request. It reminded me of my hope that a tiny head would be wearing it soon.

   It took us several months to conceive “Baby #2,” then we lost that precious little one. During the few months it took to conceive again,  I clung to that word, that hope. Then as we found out we were pregnant with our "New Baby" we realized he or she would be due just in time for Christmas. This was just the beginning of my "hoping" and believing for things through this pregnancy.

   At sixteen weeks, after the “New Baby” was completely developed, we found out my thyroid stopped working properly and was really low. This explained why the scale was going up a little quicker and I was still completely exhausted second trimester. I started reading the side effects of low thyroid for the unborn baby. I won't go into details, but let's just say my hope and prayer became that our “New Baby” would not face any of those possible complications. Once again I found myself on my knees praying and asking God to do something special.

 

   As the pregnancy progressed things went very smoothly.  We found out our “New Baby” was actually a little lady and she then took on a new nickname. I began to specifically pray for my "Little Lady" and even asked for more specific things about her and who she would be. Namely sleep.

 

   As a newborn, our first born, Haven, slept maybe two hours here or there at night and during the day. To help her nap, we would have to cover her eyes with a blanket and use every sleep soothing device out there. Thankfully she is a great sleeper now, but when I heard about my friends' newborns sleeping all the time and reading what was a "normal schedule" for newborns I knew I wanted that for our next. I didn't know if I could handle another blanket-eyes covered- dark room-work as hard as I could to get her to sleep for an hour or two-baby.

 

   I also asked God for a snuggler. I love cuddling and Haven has just recently started to enjoy cuddling up to a movie with cocoa, she certainly didn’t as a wee one. I know that so much changes with consecutive kiddos and I longed to have a little one who could snuggle up with me and her big sister.

 

   Through all of this, what I did know was that no matter what, I really wanted to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy,and every age of my next babe's life. The miscarriage really taught me to not take anything for granted.

 

  As I was enjoying this pregnancy and really beginning to trust God, we were getting closer to my due date. The anxiety of labor began to build, and so did my faith. Labor with Haven was an answered prayer. (You can read about that here). For the most part it went very smoothly, so I was worried about labor this time going terribly wrong. On top of that, Aaron had interviews in the Midwest and was going to be gone for 5 days right before her due date. I really didn't want her to come late, but I also did not want Aaron to miss her birth. This created a very specific window and a very specific prayer, so… I was specific about every little detail.  

 

   I did not assume God would care about all of my little requests, but He did. And He does. The part that leaves my heart in awe is that He didn't have to answer all of these hopes and requests; but He did. From important requests like having a healthy baby, to small things like testing negative for Group E Strep so I could labor at home. Literally every thing I hoped and prayed for was answered. 

 

(I will write more in detail about Taytum's birth story and her name in a post to come.) 

 

   Now I know that God’s plan does not always align with our own and that not always do we see God answer all our hopes and prayers. I prayed for our "Baby #2" to live, but our babe went home far too early. My plans are not always in sync with His, in fact His perfect plan was ruined long ago. Illness, death, and sin gets in the way; but He is in control. And I know that “Baby #2” awaits us in Heaven.

 

   God does hear every little desire of our hearts. "'For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

My heart's desire is to share God's faithfulness. I didn't do anything to deserve these prayers being answered. Scripture says, "They have all turned aside, together they have become corrupt; There is no one who does good, not even one." (Psalms 14:3) so if it's not because I do good or am deserving, than why would God want to answer all of these requests even the silliest ones like a baby who snuggles? 

 

  Jesus answered, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7) God is so faithful and gracious. He loves me and knows our family, he answered even the smallest prayers. I am reminded this Christmas season that babies are miracles. That the birth of our Savior was an absolute, God breathed, faithful, gracious, miracle gift. "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5) Through His suffering I can have hope. Hope for Heaven and to meet my "Baby #2". Hope that God's plans are best even in the midst of suffering. Hope that when things don't look the way I think they should, He is still faithful and just. Through HIS faithfulness I can stand in awe and worship through suffering, perseverance, character building and still choose to have hope.

   "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." (Romans 15:13)