One Thing I Ask...

    Aaron and I have been "trying to conceive" (TTC), for the last seven months. After four months it finally happened! We were due beginning of August and so excited. Now four months may not seem very long to most people, but when we weren't "trying" with Haven, I assumed it would happen right away. I had been taking my Basal Body Temperature for months so I knew when I was ovulating and my "most fertile days." Four months seemed like an eternity when everyone around me was getting pregnant on their first or second try. However, I felt God tell me in a subtle voice to not covet what He was giving others, and to rest in Him while I waited.

   I couldn't wait to have another baby. I realized that I took Haven's conception, pregnancy and health for granted. As this baby grew and the weeks passed, I would check off every passing day knowing I was getting closer to exiting my first trimester. I prayed daily for this little babe and his or her health. I knew those first months were vital. After having Haven I read about so many of my friends losing their babies in the first weeks. This time around, since we "worked so hard" at getting pregnant, I was really asking God for His protection over our little one. Always worrying about miscarrying. 

     By the end of week seven, I still felt pretty normal. Looking back this should have been the first sign. I wasn't super nauseas with Haven, but I definitely didn't feel good. This baby, I felt energized and just a little bit of dizziness. I just assumed different baby, different symptoms. 
    The night of December 19th, after doing some shopping with my mom for some maternity clothes and a baby hat, I started bleeding. I immediately panicked. My heart began racing, my palms got sweaty, and I felt instantly nauseas. I was afraid everything I had hoped for, longed for, and prayed for was about to be crushed. 

   Being married to a medical school student definitely has its perks. Aaron reassured me that there are several other reasons for first trimester bleeding other than miscarriage. I tried to hold onto hope, but all I could think about was losing my baby. 

    The next morning we went into the clinic to see our sweet baby had stopped growing. In fact, the baby was so small all we could see was the sac. My doctor believed I could have been earlier a long than I thought, but deep down fear was controlling me. I knew when I had ovulated, I knew she should have seen a heartbeat, I knew all of this meant my baby was going home to be with Jesus. On our way home I was just in a daze. I couldn't believe the baby I had so longed for since Haven was little; the baby I couldn't wait to hold and squeeze and snuggle, was gone so quickly. I would never be able to meet this baby, all of my hopes and dreams for this baby were being burned. As we entered into our home, Haven came running to us (my mom was watching her) and all I could do was hold her and sob. A month earlier we had announced to family at Thanksgiving by Haven wearing a "Big Sister" shirt. Here was my little girl, I so longed for having a sibling close in age, and she has no idea why Momma is crying. I held her and prayed. I thanked God for her. I repented for taking her for granted. I recognized my desperate need for Him. It was one of the hardest moments of my life, but one of the most beautiful.

    This season has been a huge challenge for both Aaron and I. Months before we started TTC, while we were still living in Yakima, I had asked God to change us. To give us a deep passion for Him. I was tired of "going through the motions," tired of being lukewarm. I longed to be the woman God was calling me to be, but she seemed so far away. I struggle with fear and control. Not this woman God was showing me He wanted to make me into. So I prayed for CHANGE. I had no idea that this change would cost me. I assumed we would get pregnant quickly knowing when I ovulated, not waiting months. I assumed when I did get pregnant I would carry my baby to term, and hold this baby close. I assumed I could control these things if I just did all the little steps that needed to be done. But I have never been more wrong, and more humbled in my life.
     I pray every. single. day. for a baby. Every time it's time for "Aunt Flow" to visit I am anticipating a positive pregnancy test. It is so difficult time after time to see a negative and be completely devasted all over again. However, I am aware that God's timing IS perfect. And He DOES have a plan, and it may not coincide with my plan. His plan is bigger and better though, and I really have no control over when I get pregnant. The devil likes to creep in and tell me that I am doing this all alone. That God has left me and doesn't care about my desires and dreams. But then I am reminded of my first prayer. My prayer to be a changed woman. A woman after God's own heart. A woman full of His Spirit, hope, peace, rest, joy, patience, understanding, love and selflessness. He hasn't left me or forgotten my dreams because He is in the midst of answering my prayers.


    I wish I could say I am writing this now to announce that we are in fact pregnant, but we are not. I am still waiting. Still hoping. Still praying. The verse God has used from the beginning of this process is, "Cease Striving and know that I AM GOD. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10) I have tried my whole life of trying to make things happen and be in control. God has used this to show me that I am not in control over my life. I didn't choose Jesus, He chose me. I didn't choose Aaron, God orchestrated that, and Haven wasn't a coincidence, she was a miracle from God. God does have a plan and that's eliminating my need for control.
    Another verse that has lifted me above the lies is Romans 12:12, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Those two verses sum up perfectly these last seven months. As I am waiting, I am choosing joy and hope, living in patience, and being faithful to prayer for God's will. This is definitely not the way I invisioned God transforming me or answering my first prayer. But I cling
to Him, and allow God to use this season to make that process happen...